Thoughts on Unconditional Love, and Marriage

There's a lot of talk these days about "unconditional love," by which people mean being loved just as they are, with no strings attached, a kind of love that will never leave us no matter what we do or don't do.  Usually when we talk about unconditional love, we talk about it as something we want to receive.  We all want to be loved unconditionally.

So today I found myself pondering: Can love in marriage ever be truly unconditional?  Are there always conditions on marital love?  When people get married aren't they really saying to each other, "I will love you as long as you fulfill my expectations.  But if you let me down, especially in a major way, I will not keep loving you."  At least that seems to be what married people are saying to each other today, since so many marriages end in divorce.

Is that the way it's supposed to be, according to the Bible?  If marriage really is supposed to be for life, if it's really "for better or worse, till death do us part," can love in marriage be conditional?  I don't have a set answer in mind, I'm just asking the question.

The Bible does seem to give us at least two conditions under which we can cease to love in marriage.  One is in the case of adultery (see Matthew 19:9).  The other is when an unbelieving spouse leaves (see 1 Corinthians 7:12-16).  Wise Christian leaders I know have also added unrepentant abuse and unrepentant addiction to the list of reasons a marriage can end in light of the Bible's teaching.  (Abuse and addiction are inferred from Jesus words on adultery, because they are all a breaking of the covenant.)

So what do you think?  Can love in marriage ever be unconditional?

I think one of the things that has been an issue for me throughout my life with regard to marriage is that--especially as a younger man--I hoped to find unconditional love from the women I dated.  That is, I wanted a woman I loved to love and accept me no matter what I did.  I wanted to be able to come into a dating relationship and a marriage without having a woman's love of me be conditional as to whether I fulfilled her expectations or not.  But of course, this has never happened.  If a man doesn't fulfill a woman's expectations in dating, she will leave him.  And in today's world, if a man fails too significantly in a marriage, a woman will leave him then, too.  (And yes, the reverse is true, also, I'm just speaking about my experience as a man.)

Yeah, as a younger man I tried to get my needs for unconditional love met through dating relationships.  Not likely, eh?  I think this is why I've never married, because I want marriage to be a place where I can be loved unconditionally, but it cannot.  And if it can't, I'm not sure I want it.  (Just being honest.)

So I think, if you go into marriage expecting to be loved unconditionally, you're going to be disappointed.

What do you think?

On Bishops, Elders, and Pastors

Ever wonder why some churches have elders and others have bishops? Or why some churches have pastors and others have priests?

I did a detailed study several years ago of the Greek words for elder, pastor, and bishop/overseer in the New Testament. I concluded the following:

"Pastor" simply means shepherd. So in scripture, the terms "pastor" and "shepherd" are interchangeable.

Likewise, in the New Testament, the terms "elder" and "bishop" (or "overseer") appear to have been used interchangeably. In Acts 20: 28-32 and 1 Peter 5: 1-4, elders are given the task of both overseeing and shepherding. So it appears that in the early church, elders fulfilled both the pastoring and overseeing functions in general, including instruction in faith.

Yet in Ephesians 4: 11-13 Paul does speak of some who have a special calling to shepherd ("pastors"). There's no indication that these pastors were elders. They may have been people who had a special calling to simply care for the members of the body and also to train others in doing so.

Also, in 1 Timothy 3: 1f., because the word "overseer" is used in the singular, there's a slight implication that these overseers or bishops may have had a special leadership role of overseeing the elders and the congregation. My theory is that the terms 'elder' and 'bishop' were used interchangeably initially but over time 'bishop' came to mean 'the one(s) who oversee the elders and the church.' There's evidence in some of the writings of the early church fathers that 'bishop' came to have this meaning in the late first century or early second century.

So in the early church, the closest thing they had to what we think of as pastors today may have been the bishops (overseers). Of course, later, 'bishop' came to mean the person who had oversight of an entire region, but this doesn't appear to have been the meaning at first.

Oddly, apparently the word "priest" is rooted in the Greek word "presbyter," which means elder. This shows even more clearly that originally the leaders of congregations were elders. Sadly, the plurality of eldership fell out of use and 'presbyters' came to be only those who led congregations, the 'priests.' This is why the episcopal churches (that is, churches which have bishops--Catholic, Anglican, Methodist) equate elders with pastors.

In these episcopal churches, "elder" is synonymous with "pastor" or "priest." And I think in the Baptist churches, the terms pastor, elder, and bishop are considered synonymous, which is why they have a board of deacons but not a board of elders.

The Presbyterian churches tried to recapture the plurality of eldership seen in the New Testament. Thus, the Presbyterians used to differentiate between "teaching elders" (pastors) and "ruling elders" (those who lead on the elder board). The pastor had various titles: pastor, "Minister of Word and Sacrament," "teaching elder," and the like.

There are many newer churches today which are trying to recapture the idea of plurality in church leadership which we see in the New Testament, but old habits die hard.

Genuine Freedom

I post and comment a lot on Facebook. In the process my friends and I have some great and provocative discussions on all kinds of topics.

Tonight a friend posted this quote attributed to Rick Joyner: "Love is the greatest freedom. Selfishness is the greatest bondage."

This dovetailed with something I was thinking about yesterday. Last night another friend had posted a video by the rock band The Who. That spurred me on to watch several more of their videos. While I haven't been a huge Who fan, I do enjoy some of their music, especially the "Who's Next" album. So last night I enjoyed the concert videos I found of the songs "Baba O'Reilly" and "Won't Get Fooled Again"--arguably one of the best rock songs of all time.

While watching these videos I was really impressed by John Entwhistle's bass-playing, as well as Keith Moon's busy drumming style. I often look up bands I like on Wikipedia, and so before long I was reading about The Who, and especially Entwhistle and Moon.

The crazy and self-destructive life Moon led is no secret. (He died of a major drug overdose at the age of 32.) As I read more of the details, it made me sad. Keith probably felt he was living a life of "freedom" by flaunting so many conventions of society and just doing whatever he wanted in the moment. And a lot of other people would likely see this as a life of freedom, too--though they might not carry it to the extremes Moon did. But I thought: yeah - freedom to destroy yourself! - real freedom! (not).

Never has it been more clear to me that what many call freedom is really a form of bondage, and that the life of relationship, community, transformation, and discipline God invites us into is really the only path to true freedom. In our flesh we think selfishness is freedom and the relational "ties that bind" hinder freedom. But it's really only in the context of community and behavioral boundaries that true freedom is possible.

A very personal example isn't hard to find. I love to eat, and I confess I often eat more than I should. In my short-sightedness, I think freedom is being "free" to eat as much as I want, of whatever I want. But my oversize gut and all the extra poundage I carry actually weigh me down and hinder my freedom. Because I'm overweight I can't move very quickly. If I ever had to literally run for my life, I'd be in real trouble. Being overweight also probably makes me less attractive to women, and less respectable to any I might desire to influence with my Christian witness.

So the "freedom" I think I have in my eating habits actually steals my freedom in other, more important areas. And this doesn't even touch on the many ways in which relationships free us rather than hindering us which Rick Joyner referred to. As I wrote in one of my songs a number of years ago:

Real freedom's so much more

Than just doing what we want to,

'Cause when we hurt ourselves or others

Our freedom isn’t true.

Real liberty

Comes from having eyes to see

That we've freed from doing wrong

And liberated to do what's right.

I think I understand that better now than when I wrote it back in the day. Maybe it's time I really changed the way I look at freedom.


[Lyrics to "Your Wish Is My Command" (c) 1989 Morgan Trotter music.]

A very relevant prayer

Today I was thinking about everything going on in the world, and I was struck by how much the world needs prayer - specifically intercession, which is praying for others, as opposed to praying for ourselves. As I reflected on this, the Lord's Prayer came to mind, and I thought, "Duh! A couple millenia ago Jesus gave us a prayer that's tailor made for the problems we face today!" As I prayed the prayer, I put it in my own words. I thought I'd share my version with you:

Matt 6:9-13 (my paraphrase, based on the NIV)

9 'Our Father in heaven,
may your holy name be revered;
10 let your kingdom come,
let your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us everything we need for this day.
12 Forgive our debts, as we also forgive our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil and from the evil one;
for the kingdom and the power and the glory are yours forever.
Amen.'

I invite you to pray the Lord's Prayer with me for our world.

A brief comment on the Quran burning pastor

Let me begin by affirming that it was wrong of Terry Jones to advocate the burning of the Quran. We who profess the name of Christ do not show our love to Muslims by blaspheming their holy book, nor do we honor our God by doing so. And it is absolutely horrible that Muslims in Afghanistan rose up in an angry response to Jones and killed Americans; it's tragic that Americans died in the wake of Jones' action.

However, there's a distinction I think we need to recognize. Jones did not make the Muslims kill the Americans. As horrible as it is that Jones' action led to the deaths of Americans, it was not really his burning of the Quran (or intention to do so) that caused their deaths. The Muslims who killed the Americans are adult human beings and responsible for their own actions. They, and they alone, killed innocent Americans, of their own choice. No one held a gun to their heads to make them do it. (That's a very ironic statement, if you think about it, which contrasts the two actions.) There's no reason those Muslims had to respond to the Quran burning with the murder of innocent people.

This is what we need to be careful about. Muslim extremists play a mind game with us. They blame *us* for their violent acts. They choose to injure and murder people, and then say it's our fault. But it's not. And if we allow them to convince us that we're somehow responsible for their choices, then they've got us just where they want us, right by the balls (pardon the expression, but it's apt). We need to remember that ultimately they and they alone are responsible for their acts of terrorism.

My Story - the tale of my life in verse

October 28, 2006

When I was a little boy

the big people in my life

handed me a white piece of paper

with pretty pictures on it

and some crayons, and said,

“Here, you can color this in,

but be sure you color between the lines.”

And though I wasn’t very good at coloring

between the lines

I willingly complied

because the big people in my life

smiled and said how good it was that I was trying so hard.

And I always liked it when the big people

smiled, because it made me smile, too.

When I got old enough for school

I went, and the big people there said

“Here is the way to do your lessons.

Do them well and you will get a bright, shiny star!”

So I worked very hard at learning how to do my lessons

just the way the big people told me to do them.

And mostly they were very pleased.

And they smiled, and gave me that bright, shiny star

just like they said, and I wore it proudly.

And I smiled, because it made me happy

when the big people smiled.

Some of the other little people made fun of my star.

They said, “You don’t have to do your lessons

and color in the lines

the way the big people tell you to.

They don’t know anything anyway.

The way they tell you to do them—

that’s not how it works in the real world.”

I didn’t know about this real world.

But in my little world the people that mattered to me most were all big people,

and it sure seemed to me like they knew what they were talking about.

There weren’t any other little people in my family,

and the big people liked it when I colored in the lines,

and when I worked hard on my lessons,

and brought home my bright, shiny stars.

For many years, I worked very hard at my lessons

and I always kept my colors inside the lines.

And the big people gave me lots of happy smiles

and bright, shiny stars.

The other little people sometimes made fun

of my carefully colored pictures

and my bright shiny stars,

but I didn’t pay much attention to them

because the big people seemed happy with

what I was doing, and that was the most

important thing to me.

One day I went to church

and at the church they also handed out crayons

and paper and told us to color between the lines.

They said, “If you color your pictures real nice

that will make God smile

and he’ll be pleased with you.”

And I very much wanted to make God happy

and put a smile on his face,

so I worked very hard to make sure my little

pictures were just so.

And I told the other children to make sure

they stayed inside the lines, too,

so they could make God happy.

In church they gave us a book

and they said

“If you really want to make God happy

be sure and do everything just like this

book tells you. If you don’t,

God will be sad and God will be mad!”

I didn’t want to make God mad or sad,

so I learned everything the book said

and tried real hard to do it just the way it said.

Then one day I was almost all grown up.

I wasn’t a little person anymore;

now I was a big person.

I was so excited!

Now I could be just like all the big people

I had admired so much all my life!

So when the time came,

I went out into the world

and the other big people said

“Here, we need you to draw us a picture.”

But I said, “I don’t know how to draw a picture.

They only taught me how to color the pictures inside the lines.

No one ever said I could make my own picture.

I’m sorry; I don’t know how to do that!”

And I was very sad, and very afraid,

because they wanted me to make my own pictures,

and I didn’t know how to do that!

I never knew you could do that!

I never knew it was OK to make your own!

No one had ever taught me.

I was too afraid to try.

So I went away very sad.

Then I went to another place.

And they said to me,

“We need you to make something for us.

And we have a bunch of problems that need to be solved.

Your job is to solve the problems.”

But when I saw what the problems were,

it was nothing they had ever taught me

in my lessons in school

or at home with the big people.

So I said, “I’ll be happy to

solve your problems if you’ll give me the book

that tells me how to do it.”

They looked at me kind of funny and said,

“What? There’s no book.

We want you to solve the problems.

That’s your job.

That’s why we hired you.”

But no one had ever told me I could

make anything or solve problems myself,

and they never taught me how to solve problems or to make anything.

All they taught me was

how to do my lessons

and how to color inside the lines

and how to repeat what I’d been told.

So I was very sad and very afraid,

and so I went away from there, too.

I wondered what I was going to do—

I had worked so hard to learn my lessons

and color the pictures

but now I was realizing that

The World had no use for the things I had worked so hard to learn.

They wanted me to do things, make things.

No one had ever told me I could make things.

No one had ever taught me how.

I was very sad and afraid and didn’t know what to do.

Then I had an idea.

I said, “The church taught me to color in the lines

and follow the book.

Maybe they will have something I can do

where I can use all the things I’ve been taught!”

So I went to the church.

And they were very happy!

They said, “Oh, we’re so glad to have a young person

here with us. All our little people went away when

they grew up and got big.

So come on in.

Yes, we have work for you to do!!”

So the church people handed me another book

that was almost as big as the first one they had given me.

And they said,

“Learn everything in this book and follow it.

and if you do, everything will be wonderful for you!”

So I worked very hard and learned everything in the new book

the church gave me.

I was so happy! Now I knew what both books said.

And I was very happy that I had found a place

that followed so many of the things I had been taught.

I worked very hard to live by both of the books,

and the older big people were very pleased.

And I was happy again.

I felt safe and secure,

And I worked very hard to teach all the other people

In the church all the rules in the books they had taught me.

After a while, though, something strange happened.

Even though I was doing everything the books said to do

I wasn’t happy.

Neither were the other people in the church

I was trying to teach the rules in the books to,

though they worked hard to act as if they were happy.

Not only that,

but somehow inside I knew that God was not happy either.

In fact, I felt He was sad.

But I was doing everything the people in the church

told me to do! And I was doing it well!

It was supposed to be working!

But deep inside I knew it wasn’t working.

I grew more and more sad.

I started asking the older big people

in the church about this,

but they said,

“You’re just imagining things.

God is happy with you following all the rules in the books,

and if you do it right, the people will be happy too.

You just need to work harder!”

I believed them for a while

but it didn’t work.

I wasn’t happy,

the people weren’t happy,

and God wasn’t happy.

So finally, with a very sad face,

I left there and went back out into the world.

I didn’t know what I was going to do.

The World expected me to make things and solve problems,

but I had never been taught to do these things

and I was afraid.

I wandered around for a long time

with a very sad face.

People tried to cheer me up,

but no one knew what to say to make me smile again.

Finally, one day God spoke to me and said,

“My little one,

Do not be sad, and do not be afraid.

I say to you this day

that it’s alright for you to

make new things, even though

no one ever told you that you could.

I give you permission.

Go ahead and try to draw pictures,

even though no one has ever shown you how.

Try and solve problems.

It’s okay. I gave you a heart and a mind and a will.

I meant for you to use them.

Don’t be afraid.

I won’t judge you or be angry with you

if you fail, only if you don’t try.

And remember, I am right here with you,

always, to help you and guide you.

I will teach you. Listen to me.

Learn from me.

And I will send helpers into your life,

others who can assist you and teach you and show you the way

Only do not be so proud as to refuse their help when they come.

Listen, learn, and try. I only ask that you try.

Trust in me. Look to me. And above all, don’t be too proud

to admit when you need help, and to ask for it.

I love you.”

So now at last

I am beginning to learn the joy

of tiny freedoms:

Of coloring outside the lines

and even venturing to draw my own pictures.

All my life I have depended on boxes,

the safety and security of boxes.

But the boxes have kept me from

being all I was meant to be.

So I’m finding the courage to leave the boxes behind,

because most of them are only in my mind anyway…

And I’m learning to venture off the path on occasion

in order to look at the scenery up close

and discover the beauty and wonder

of this incredible world God made;

or to make new paths when needed

as God leads.

To Tithe or Not to Tithe?

I wrote this in response to a question on tithing posted by a friend of my cousin, @Greg Simmons. The original blog is here http://bit.ly/gy3X3G. See links to Greg's blogs at the bottom.

I've edited this for clarity.

I will put in my 2 cents (no pun intended) about the question of whether Christians are required to tithe:

Notice that the only direct references to tithing in the New Testament are negative ones (see Matt 23:23 and Luke 11:42). Otherwise, no real guidance or expectation is given in the New Testament about the amount one is required to give.

I believe the key passage about giving in the New Testament is 2 Cor 9:6-11 ~

"6 Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. 7 Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. 8 And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. 9 As it is written:

'He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor;

his righteousness endures forever.'

"10 Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness. 11 You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God." (NIV)

Notice verse 7: "Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver" (emphasis added). Not under compulsion. I think that right there blows out of the water the way giving is approached in many churches. Many pastors compel people to tithe.

The church I attend doesn't push tithing but looks at giving as totally a matter of grace and generosity as led by the Spirit--and they are always over budget.

Having said that, a couple other observations are worthwhile. First, in several places the New Testament offers the example of giving everything to God, as in the story of the rich young ruler; and in Acts 2 where they shared all things in common. These passages remind us that it all really belongs to God anyway. But even in this example, giving was done freely and not under pressure.

A second observation is that I think tithing is fine if someone chooses to enter into it joyfully and not under compulsion. I'd imagine God is pleased with this.

As for the question of how can we give if we have nothing to give, here's a scripture that deals with that, too: Eph 4:28 ~ "He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need." (NIV) Work...that he may have something to share with those in need. This implies that we can't give what we don't have.

Giving a tenth, or more, of one's income is a laudable thing to do, if one has freely purposed to do so in their mind, and not out of guilt or compulsion. God prefers a cheerful giver. God is the one who can change our hearts to bring us to the place where we desire to give freely of what God has generously given us.

Access Greg Simmons' blogs here:

http://gsimmonssc.blogspot.com/

http://www.thebetaversion.org/